Kitchen Renovation, Step #4

Step 4: Recruit Help. Demolish Kitchen and Install New Bathroom Floor

Miss Steps #1, #2, or #3?

a) Recruit help. Preferably help that can do electrical and plumbing.
NOTE: This step is probably best done right after your Dad retires and has lots of "free time" on his hands.
NOTE x2: This may take some bribery on your part - unless you're my parents, who think that spending two weeks gutting and rebuilding our kitchen sounds "fun" and your mom even describes it as sounding "spa-like" (I'm not even joking). 

b) Convince your parents help that they should come and visit for two weeks for an intensive kitchen remodel. When they agree have a minor panic attack and start sanding and painting kitchen cabinets like a maniac and tearing down paneling like it's your job.

c) When they arrive, panic again when your dad decides the best way to tap in the new drain line to the kitchen sink is to completely take out your old, iron, rusty, painted-over-8-times sewer line and replace it with shiny PVC...

I call this "The Thinkers"

... but perk up dramatically when you realize that the fact that your toilet has to come out during the sewer line replacement means you can replace you bathroom floor!

This is what I did while the boys broke iron sewer pipes downstairs, while swearing.

The before tile is more awful than this picture shows. Missing grout and loose tiles.

 d) Once the sewer line is back in place, commence kitchen demolition. Tear out kitchen cabinets and knock down walls to the studs.

Take no prisoners.

Look at all that yummy insulation that fell in my hair and down my shirt and in my shoes and...

So long weird wall.

e) Rest. Watch a football game. And ogle over your new bathroom floor since your kitchen is completely demolished and you can't envision it ever going back together. Ever.

Another opportunity for you to ooo and ahh with me. Don't judge my lack of white balance.

For reference, this is where we left it:

Improvement?

Kitchen Renovation, Step #3

Step 3: Sand and Paint Cabinets

Miss Step #1, or #2?

NOTE: this step sucks. And it's boring and kind of lame - so I put sanding and painting together as one step because I can't deny they happened. And I don't have any good pictures because sanding it dirty and painting is messy (at least the way I do it is...). So feel free to skip this one, folks.

a) After letting your preowned kitchen cabinets sit in your garage for 4 months untouched, pick one of the hottest days of the year to start working on them.
NOTE: This has nothing to do with your dad asking you how much you've accomplished since they helped you buy them and haul them back to your garage 4 months ago.

b) Put on pants, a long sleeve shirt, and a hat and then use half a can of bugspray to try to ward off the mosquitoes that accost you as soon as you open the door. Start sweating immediately.

c) Remove all hardware and doors and drawer fronts. Tap into your inner OCD and use a half a box of ziploc bags and permanent marker to sort and label everything since you know your dad will make fun of you mercilessly if you can't remember where everything went like being organized.

d) When removing doors and drawer fronts, if you happen to find a door that has been damaged (e.g. missing an inside corner with a cracked panel) set it aside and ignore it for another month. After your dad gives you a tutorial over the phone, go out and buy a new toy tool to help fix the crack, and skeptically start building up the broken corner with a paste made out of sawdust and wood glue. Don't admit that it works.

e) Using a quarter-sheet orbital sander, start sanding the doors and drawer fronts with 100-grit sandpaper followed by 220-grit. After 4 or 5 days and about 12 doors, get lazy and start on a door with 220-grit first - swear into your dirty dust mask when it works better and then use just 220-grit for the rest.
FUN NOTE: Pretend you're Pig-Pen while running around your driveway slapping at your jeans and shirt trying to get the majority of the dust off before you go inside. 

If only the mosquito part were true. via

f) Remember that gorgeous detail on the doors that you fell in love with? You have to sand it all by hand now. You hate it now.
NOTE: Hand sanding results in the sanding of your nails. 

g) After a few weeks of sanding, declare it "done" "good enough" and start vacuuming up the dust and junk that has accumulated on every.surface.of.your.garage. Wipe down the cabinets with a damp rag, and then with deglosser, and then with a tack cloth because you've got some lingering OCD going on.

h) 2 coats of primer plus 2 coats of Benjamin Moore Advance in China White (which requires 16 hours between coats!) is time consuming - but the plus side is that it gives you tons of time to catch up on your podcasts.

Assembly line painting

How To: Redo Your Dining Room 2 years After You Completely Re-did It...

Step-by-step:

1 - Approximately 1.5 years after completely renovating your dining room and painting it with Martha Stewart's Pumpkin Butter, one hormonal afternoon decide that you hate it. Because it's orange. And orange is limiting when picking out other colors in the house. And it blends in with your floors. And your dog (who also blends in with your floors).

OMG you guys. I legit just realized our living and dining room color scheme was completely based off our dog. Wow. 

You thought I was joking.

anyway...

2 - Over the course of the next 2 months, slowly increase the number of times you criticize the color of your dining room to your husband. Examples may include:
"This room makes me want to eat pumpkin pie."
"Does the dining room look a little poopy in this light?"
"OMG - WHERE IS STELLA?! Oh here she is. She's camouflaged in pumpkin butter."

I couldn't find a actual picture this phenomena - probably because she in blends so well that
I couldn't find her in photos. This is just a gratuitous "isn't my dog adorbz?!" photo.

3 - If your complaining fails to convince your husband to let you start another project, try whining a little.
"But I don't liiiiikkkkkke it."
"Plllllleeeeeeasssssse?"
NOTE: Failing that, just start the project on a Saturday when he's in the lab. So far this method works well for relatively new newlyweds. I'll be sure to report back how this method stands the test of marriage being married to me.

4 - Decide that this project should incorporate the present your dad got you for Christmas - an air compressor. (People who know me and my dad aren't even blinking an eye at this.)
NOTE: Air compressors smoke a lot when you start them for the first time. Something about oil. Always start your new air compressor for the first time outdoors where it can burn off in your kitchen.

5 - Since board and batten requires a lot of nails and patience (one of which you don't have, the other which you can buy) - go with that. Draw a picture to help you figure out how much lumber you need. Make sure that you won't be able to decipher what the hell you were doing when you look at it again 2 months later.

Note me calling our dog walker by the wrong name in the corner. Fail.

6 - Because of a super duper long line at the paint counter at HD and your impressive lack amount of patience, paint the bottom third of your dining room Behr white. Not the fancy white you had picked out - just plain ol' off-the-shelf white.

Oooo look at that nice view of that wood paneling and green laminate. 

7 - While attaching the horizontal boards, if you happen to find yourself with an incredibly curvaceous wall, throw all of your weight into the board to try to get it to bend to the shape of the wall. Heck - hit it with a hammer a few times to see if you can persuade it. When you start to feel the drywall give way, hit it one more time before giving up. Then go back to HD and pick up a fake board made out of PVC that is bendy. Attach it and hope no one notices your outrageously curvy wall.

8 - Place and attach vertical slats. Then stop for a week to annoy your husband pick the perfect paint color.

As with whites, who knew there were so many... gray shades? Notice how I avoided that so smoothly? 

9 - After deliberating for a week over different grays, choose the same gray as you already have in your hallway. Because you're exciting and risky like that. 

10 - (Optional step) Hang up white curtains. Tape a blue paint chip on one because you envision painting stripes on them. Leave it there for 3 months and then start a new project (i.e. a full kitchen remodel).

Just for fun here's a real "before" picture!

Oye.

Feel free to OOO and AHH with me.

Kitchen Renovation, Step #2

Step 2: Begin Demolition

Miss Step 1?

Step-by-step

Note: This step is best done 36 hours after you've returned from vacation via a red-eye flight and are suffering from severe jet lag and lack of sleep.

a) Around 10 am on a holiday, while still wearing your pjs, loudly declare that it's too hot to work outside and that you're too tired to do any "real work" on the kitchen.

b) At 11:30 am ask your husband how destructive you're allowed to be that day. When he replies that he doesn't care "as long as he can start cooking dinner at 5:30 pm" run upstairs and change into your work clothes. Shoes optional.

c) Use a small crowbar, hammer, screwdriver, needle-nose pliers, and basically any other random tools you can find in the basement (remember - you're avoiding going outside) to begin pulling paneling and trim off the walls. Be sure to de-nail the paneling so you don't stab yourself while carrying pieces. When nails and splinters starts to accumulate on the floor, decide that shoes are actually not optional.
NOTE: If you happen to find a large hole with exposed electrical wires poking out of it when you remove the paneling, break off a smaller piece of paneling and nail it back over the hole for your dad to deal with later.
NOTE x2: When you find yourself stuck behind a giant piece of paneling that has sandwiched you between it and the sink, DO NOT ASK FOR HELP. I repeat - DO NOT ASK FOR HELP. Instead, swear, grunt, and shove at it until it moves and consider your teapot, trashcans, and tools that end up on the floor as you scrape the paneling over the countertops collateral damage for your victory.

d) Remove as much paneling as you can reasonably reach without tearing out cabinets. Tear out cabinets if necessary. In order to make sure your husband feels like he's part of the project, ask him nicely to carry discarded cabinets to the curb for you.

e) At 5:25 pm start sweeping up debris and throwing your tools back in the basement.

f) At 5:40 turn the kitchen back over to your husband looking like this:

Please note the smokey outline of what was likely decorative plates near the ceiling. Yummy.

g) Optional step: Fall asleep on the living room floor while your husband makes dinner.

Kitchen Renovation, Step #1

Step 1: Purchase Cabinets

Step-by-step

1a) While touring your favorite used home improvement store with your parents decide that a used set of kitchen cabinets for sale might work in your kitchen and would save you at least $4,000 over new Ikea cabinets.

1b) Take a ton of pictures and measurements of said cabinets to take back and convince your hubby to allow you to spend your tax return on them.

1c) Back at your house, while your parents measure out your kitchen, try to convince your husband to let you go back and buy the cabinets today because your parents and their minivan are leaving in a few hours. NOTE: If your husband makes you promise that the cabinets won't take up the whole garage, smile sweetly and promise that they absolutely will not take up the entire garage.

1d) Return to your favorite used home improvement store to purchase cabinets approximately 25 min before they close and about 3 hours before your parents are scheduled to leave. With the cabinets in the back of the store, this leaves you with enough time to make approximately 2.5 trips to the minivan before the store starts turning off the lights on you. At this point, play up the sympathy vote. If you're lucky, an employee at the store who happens to own a truck may offer to haul the rest of the cabinets home for you for $10. Agree before he can finish offering and then give him $20. NOTE: Try not to cry tears of relief. That will only make things awkward.

1e) Once all of the cabinets are unloaded on your front lawn, carry them back into the garage - filling it entirely. 

1f) Hug parents goodbye, apologize to husband, then quietly do victory dance in your now very-limited garage space.